Keep Moving Forward
(Written: March 27, 2018)
A few years ago, I endured the darkest days of my life. I never imagined in my entire existence that I’d experience being in that kind of state. I fell into depression. Nobody really knew what was happening except for one of my best friends who patiently looked after me. Those were the days when I locked myself in my room, cried myself to sleep, not talking to anyone. I lost so much weight in a week together with my appetite and my will to do anything. It was when depression became more real to me than ever. The apperception that it’s not just a concept but a beast that eats up life from you made me acquainted to that harsh part of life where no one could protect me.
What most people knew about that time was nothing but a tip of the iceberg. One incident was the trigger and the easiest excuse for not being my usual self. But things were way deeper than that. Everything wasn’t going well. I was deeply frustrated because I couldn’t carry out what I was supposed to do. I was also too tight with my plans. I already have a 5-year plan, 10 years even. There were things I was ready to give up to welcome a new season. But more shaking came. God took away a big part of my future plans. That’s when I had the hardest time looking at what lies ahead of me. I didn’t know what I was going to do. So I locked myself out from the world. Or rather, I locked the world out and let the pain seep at the very core of my soul.
While days have gone in darkness, I was trying to fight for life. I wanted to see and feel that ray of hope once again. I didn’t want to just give up and allow life’s hailstorm to knock me down and throw me out of the battlefield. No, I decided to wrestle with all my might. But it was easier said than done. Despite being an inner battle, it was bloody painful. I was wounded and could barely move. All I had was my bible. Each day I told myself, “You are stronger than this. You can overcome this with the words from that book. You are so much stronger than this”. As I cling on to every word I read, I could see the cracks getting bigger every day, allowing more light to shine through.
Looking back, I can say I have come a long way from where I’d been. I’m not saying that everything is going well. Not too long ago, my security was once again tested. I was left with nothing. But when I think about how I was able to survive those days, the difficulties I encounter day to day is just a pinch. I don’t want to experience it again but I am thankful that I went through that season. I came out as a totally different person. I was changed. It was a time that made me more grounded in my relationship with Him.
Some people saw me as weak and powerless for falling into the depths of despair. But I’d rather face my emotions than not feel anything at all. Strength is not the absence of weakness, but it is will to keep fighting in the face of your fears and flaws. Strong people are not those who always know what to do, they are those who have gone through the fiercest battles and survived. They are those who chose to carry on with life, hopeful and joyful regardless of the wounds and scars engraved in them. They are the people who are not afraid to face anything not because they are highly capable but because they know they have the Giver of Life.
I am here today. I’m alive and breathing. I am well. I always choose to take little steps no matter how hard it is because there is tomorrow. There’s hope. There is a story to tell. There is a message to pass on. There is life to live. I learned to live one day at a time. I learned to hold my plans loosely to allow God to do what He wants. I am running after visions that are too great for me believing that His grace will abound through my incapability. I started working on the things that matter most to me. I enjoy taking chances and winning against doubts and anxieties. Every day is a decision to take a step of faith towards the things He has stored up for me and the people around me. Most importantly, I am enjoying that power to smile even at the simplest things.
To those people who are going through their darkest days, I’m telling you that it’s not the end unless you stop moving. Persevere. It may feel like unending but never ever give up as long as you’re breathing. You may see yourself differently, but you are strong. You are much stronger than that. You are created to be a conqueror. Don’t let anything steal the life out of you. You are made to gaze upon the light of day and the beauty of life. There are people who loves you and there is someone who’ll never stop pursuing you. A great life lies ahead of you. It is your choice that determines if you’ll get a hold of it.
Don’t stop. Keep moving forward.
